Rule #6 of my 10 rules to divorce-proof your marriage.

You’ve heard it before. You need to “keep dating your spouse”, keep trying to win her over, never take him for granted. But, things change. Life gets busy, you’re overwhelmed at work, you have kids to take care of, and, most importantly, you learn over time that you can trust your spouse won’t leave, even when you aren’t on your A-game.

You’ve learned that you don’t have to earn your spouse’s love with lavish gifts, fancy dinner dates, and a sexy wardrobe. Your spouse loves you for you, not just for what you have to offer.

That’s what nobody talks about when they give you the advice to keep dating your spouse: in many ways, you two stop dating because real love can’t be earned.

Real love is freely given.

And, considering you two have been married this long, you probably really love each other.

But, continuing to date your spouse isn’t a plot to earn her love. It’s a sign of your love.

If you’re like most people, when you were in the early months and years of your relationship, you probably treated him like he hung the moon and vice versa. Perhaps through a combination of honeymoon-phase, rose-tinted glasses and a desire to win over the most wonderful person you had ever met, you went above and beyond for your spouse in big ways and small. You acted in ways to bring about good in your spouse’s life for your spouse’s sake (rather than for your own sake), and you did that consistently, day after day.

It turns out, that’s real love: to act in the best interests of another person for that person’s sake, consistently and as much as you can.

And, it turns out, our spouses deserve our real love no matter how long we’ve been married.

In case you missed the first five rules, you can check them out here.

So, how can you show your spouse you’re still as in love or more as you were in the beginning? Let’s look at a few concrete examples.

Concrete Ways to Keep Dating Your Spouse

People tend to over-complicate this part. You already have a reasonable idea of how to treat your spouse to win his heart. After all, you’ve already done it! Think back to when you first started dating or first got married, and ask yourself these questions. It may help to take out a pen and a notebook to jot down some ideas as you work through these questions:

#1 What small things did you do most or every day to show your spouse you cared? Did you kiss each other goodbye in the mornings? Would you take over chores for your spouse when she wasn’t feeling well or he was busy? Did you tell your spouse “I love you” regularly? Did you keep the house neat for your spouse? Would you make your spouse’s favorite foods for dinner?

#2 What relationship rituals did you two establish that showed your love? Did you write each other love notes? Would you go out together every Friday night? How did you celebrate anniversaries, birthdays and other important holidays? Did you send each other sweet voice memos or long texts? How would you say hello and goodbye to each other every day?

#3 How did you surprise each other? Would you go out for spontaneous date nights, dress up for your spouse when he or she came home, or hide gifts for each other to find? Would you give each other massages after a hard day?

#4 How did you talk to and about each other? How would you brag about your spouse to your loved ones? Did you keep your spouse’s secrets? Were you gentle and understanding when your spouse made honest mistakes? Did you sound excited on the phone when your spouse would call? Did you greet each other with love when you saw each other at the end of every day?

#5 How did you get your spouse interested in being physically intimate? Did you dress well? Were you romantic? This is a big one. Putting in effort to get your spouse in the mood to be intimate becomes more important the longer you two are together. Keep in mind that, especially for women, sexual desire is largely tied to the quality of the relationship. Every moment in your relationship is foreplay. So, if you two are having problems right now, you may need to focus on improving the relationship before expecting your wife to want to be intimate.

---

Today’s Challenge

• Choose two of the ideas on your list to keep dating your spouse, and try them out this week. Pick one smaller idea you can do every day and one bigger idea you can do just once or twice this week.
• As much as possible, avoid setting any expectations for how your spouse “should” react, particularly if you two are going through a rough patch right now. This exercise is about helping you start to build the habits of being the best spouse you can be, not about trying to get your spouse to change on your timeline.
• You can only control yourself. So, only set your expectations and goals based on what you can control: being consistent in these small and big ways to express your love, and being patient with your spouse changing in reaction to your change.
• Chances are, no matter how your spouse reacts, you can allow yourself to be proud of your efforts, knowing you’re positively contributing to the life of the person who matters most to you.

---

Wishing you hope, 

Cameron

Marriage therapist & founder of HITCHED

---

Marriage is hard. It’s also worth the fight. HITCHED can help you fight as a team for the relationship you’ve always wanted. To join the waitlist for your own personalized, evidence-based guide to lifelong marriage, visit the HITCHED website here. When you sign up for the app, you’ll have access to many more resources and guided exercises on how to keep showing your spouse your love.