What may seem like the most obvious ingredient in a lifelong marriage – choosing the right person – can also, at times, seem like the most elusive for those of us who are still single. In today’s post, we’ll cover what to look for so you can be as sure as possible of your choice before (and after) you make it.
But, first, if you want to check out Rules #1 and #2, go here:
Both of these parts are well worth the five or so minutes it’ll take you to read them, either before or after you make your way through this post.
Rule #3: Marry the Right Person
An unfortunately common occurrence in marriage therapy offices across the country is the couple that seemed to get married almost by accident.
Maybe they had an unexpected pregnancy, one spouse gave the other an ultimatum of marriage or moving on, or they found themselves tying the knot after a decade of dating because it seemed like “the right thing to do”.
Modern dating, with the norm often being to act as if you’re married – move in together, have sex, even raise a kid or two together – before you’ve actually said “I do”, certainly encourages couples to slide from one relationship milestone to the next without the real commitment that marriage requires.
Interestingly, all of these milestones that, in the past, were more commonly saved for after the wedding day, are linked to higher rates of divorce when couples reach those milestones before marriage. There are many theories as to why this is the case.
Let’s look at cohabitation as an example.
Some researchers think cohabitating changes your mindset about the seriousness of marriage, making couples more likely to divorce.
Others think it’s because the couples who cohabitate already have less serious views of marriage. These may both be true to some degree, but my view is that it’s largely something else entirely.
Cohabitating, having sex or even becoming parents, and otherwise weaving your lives together before marriage minimizes and pushes into the future the consequences of getting married.
The idea of spending the rest of your life with someone is exciting and maybe a bit nerve-racking, but it’s also a later problem. Forever only happens in the future.
However, a couple’s wedding night used to bring a lot more now problems.
Newlyweds would enjoy not just their first time having sex, but their first time living together, making financial decisions together, grappling with family planning together, and fully integrating their lives together.
The more of these experiences we have before marriage, the less immediate consequences there will be to getting married. That makes the decision to get married a less psychologically, socially, and logistically serious one, at least in the short-term.
Less serious decisions require less intentional thought.
And, less intentional decisions usually have worse outcomes, particularly over the long term.
The prescription? In an ideal world, you know you’re going to marry someone before reaching these various relationship milestones, that way you two have given the decision the weight it deserves rather than risking sliding into marriage as just the next step in your relationship.
Without these guardrails in place, you can still make a great choice about who to marry. It just takes more willpower to be patient and thorough in getting to know the qualities about each other that will really matter for a lifelong marriage.
What qualities matter in a lifelong marriage?
The list is relatively simple, actually. Once you’re considering marrying someone. you two need to meet five criteria at a minimum:
- You two should be physically attracted to each other
- You two should have the same core values
- You two should have compatible life goals
- You two should be prepared to place the needs of the marriage and the family first, even above your individual needs or desires
- You two should make each other better people
Physical Attraction
This criteria is a no-brainer for most people. Yet, for some couples, particularly those waiting until after marriage to be physically intimate, it may be tempting to set aside this criteria when you find someone who checks your other boxes.
But, physical attraction matters.
Research has consistently shown that spouses who are physically attracted to each other are more satisfied in their marriages. Keep in mind that non-physical attributes like personality and competence can increase how physically attracted people are to one another, and really take some time to think about the sexual chemistry between you and your partner.
Core Values
Your values guide how you view yourself, others, the world, and what is right and wrong.
Your political and parenting philosophies, views on religion, understanding of what commitment means, attitudes toward gender roles when dividing up household responsibilities, views on finances, and other core values should align as much as possible with the person you choose to marry, particularly if you two plan to have children together.
If you’re already married and you two are misaligned in some of your values, don’t panic.
As long as you two are both fully committed to a lifelong marriage (see Marital Mindset below), you can make things work. However, you will have to develop solid communication skills, boundaries, a healthy support system and reasonable expectations for conflict in your relationship.
Spend some time reflecting on your core beliefs and worldview. What makes your view of the world unique? What character traits matter most to you (e.g., tolerance, personal responsibility, compassion, honesty, bravery, work ethic)? Once you’ve explored your own values, you and discuss these views with your partner to better understand where your views may or may not align.
Life Goals
Perhaps the most important life goal that needs to align for you and someone you’d marry is whether or not you want to have children.
Since you can’t have a half kid, there is no effective way to compromise between someone who does and someone who doesn’t want to have children. And, because the desire to have children or not is such a fundamental desire for many people, it’s not a goal that can be easily replaced by something else.
You’ll also want to make sure your goals won’t inevitably lead you to opposite sides of the world, incompatible lifestyles, or a situation that’s otherwise financially or logistically unsustainable, such as if neither of you want to be responsible for earning an income for the family, if you want to live on the West coast but your partner wants to live on the East coast, or you value wealth and luxury while your partner wants to live a simple, modest life.
Marital Mindset
The research on marital mindset is clear: spouses who firmly believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, for better or for worse, are far more likely to stay together.
Some may consider it radical to place the marriage above one’s own personal interests. By today’s standards of what marriage means, it probably is definitionally radical. And, while marriage exists, in part, for the benefit of both spouses, the word “benefit” doesn’t necessarily always include unwavering happiness or pleasure.
In fact, the most successful couples spend their relationships practicing how to value their marital commitment above what would make them happiest in the moment. They’re willing to delay their immediate satisfaction for something better in the future: a marriage that stood the test of time.
For a deeper explanation of marital mindset, check out my first post in this series here.
Making Each Other Better
And, last but certainly not least, you two need to make each other better.
A lot of people today have the noble goal of self-improvement. They want to become better versions of themselves because it feels right or they have dreams that require them to be better or more competent than they are right now. These aren’t the reasons why you and your partner need to make each other better.
Life is really hard for every person who is blessed to live it.
You need to make each other better so you can handle obstacles in the future, obstacles that will require more strength, patience, resilience, and forgiveness than you have to offer right now.
In fact, there probably comes a day for every couple that divorce would be the easier choice than staying together. In preparing each other for that day, when it comes you’ll have a fighting chance of making it through together rather than falling apart.
Today’s Challenge
- If you’re already married: In which of these five areas are you two struggling, if any? What can you do about it? Write down your thoughts. Share them with your spouse only when you have an idea of how your thoughts can help the marriage, not just add another problem to your spouse’s plate.
- If you aren’t already married: Think more about each of the four ingredients above. Even better, pull out a piece of paper or your journal. How well do you and your partner meet all five of these criteria? If you aren’t sure whether you two are compatible in your life goals or values, ask questions. Get to know each other more deeply before you make a decision on forever.
Wishing you hope,
Cameron
Marriage therapist & founder of HITCHED
Marriage is hard. It’s also worth the fight. HITCHED can help you fight as a team for the relationship you’ve always wanted. To get access to your own personalized, evidence-based guide to lifelong marriage, check out HITCHED here.
HITCHED has multiple assessments and other tools to help you discover your values, learn more about your personality, and explore your life purpose and goals so that you and your partner can better understand yourselves and each other.
After all, you can only love each other as well as you know each other.
Cameron Rechenmacher 
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