If you want to start at the beginning, you can find the first of my 10 rules for divorce-proofing your marriage here.

Now, for part two. Forewarning that this tip is rather countercultural. However, having found yourself reading these words, you are likely in the minority with the proper mindset and commitment to your relationship to squeeze all the benefit out of this tip that it could possibly offer. So, let’s jump in.

Rule #2: Become Someone Worthy of Marriage

Think of an important goal you’re currently working toward, like getting a new job or a promotion, running a marathon, learning the piano, or something else. how many hours do you spend in a give week dedicated to accomplishing that goal?

Let’s take getting a promotion as an example. Perhaps you work a normal 40-hour work week just to keep your job, but to earn a promotion you’re putting in an extra 5-10 hours per week.

How many hours do you spend in a given week becoming someone worthy of another person’s lifelong commitment to loving you? How often do you think about how to be a better listener, positive role model, or supporter to your spouse?

Do you remember when your spouse asks you to do something? Are you quick to forgive when your spouse makes a mistake, or do you keep record of wrongdoings?

Never do we demand such a commitment from someone and do so little to earn that devotion.

In every other area of our lives, we expect hard work to precede success. No one believes that as long as we find the right gym, we’ll enjoy a six-pack and tone legs without actually working out, no matter how much we say we love our gym.

We know that we have to show up on time and be at least somewhat productive every day at work if we want to keep our jobs.

It takes effort to accomplish anything and even more effort to maintain it.

When it comes to marriage, however, we default to “find the right person” rather than “become the right person”. But, choosing who to marry is only part of the battle. Perhaps it’s even the less important part since no matter what relationship you choose, you will be responsible for at least half the dysfunction.

Wherever you go, you will follow.

What would happen if we thought of marital love as a gift to be honored through our actions every day? What if we honored our spouse’s commitment to us by actually becoming someone worthy of that love?

The research support for self-improvement as predictive of marital quality is substantive.

Take this study from 2014, for example, that showed that in all types of relationships, the amount of effort partners put into the relationship strongly predicts both relationship satisfaction and longevity. Interestingly, this connection between effort and relationship outcomes was strongest in couples in their first marriage as compared to cohabitating couples or couples who were remarried.

How Good Could Things Be?

For a moment, picture your relationship as if you were better than you are now. What if you were kinder or more forgiving?

What if you let the little things go?

What if you were grateful for each day, even the hard ones?

What if you complained less?

What if you spoke more gently to and about your spouse?

What if you spoke more gently to and about yourself?

What if you hugged and kissed your spouse more?

The best part of becoming a better version of yourself is that you give your spouse permission to do the same.

Patterns require complacency. When you change, the patterns in your relationship, good or bad, will break. You two will be forced to start over in some ways, but better to start from the beginning with a book you’d be happy to read and reread than a book you can’t stand to open.

How could you become someone worthy of marriage?

You could always guess at the answer to this question, but the simplest and most effective way to be someone worthy of your spouse’s love is by asking your spouse how you could love better.

An exercise I do with my clients is what I call LAL, or the Loving Acts List. It works like this.

You both write down the things you need from each other, being as specific as possible. Write things your spouse already does, like washing the dishes every other night, paying the electric bill, fixing the car when it gets a flat tire, as well as the things you need your spouse to start doing.

Compare lists. Admire all of the things you both already do for each other (this step is very important). And, finally, set about adding the things to your routine that you aren’t yet doing but that your spouse needs from you. Don’t add everything at once. Start with the highest priority items, adding one at a time to your schedule. Be patient with each other while you get used to this new way of delegating responsibilities.

Remind yourself that these tasks are acts of love. So, the more you do them with a sense of gratitude at having the chance to love your spouse, the happier you and your spouse will be.

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Today’s Challenge

• Start your Loving Acts List by writing down three things you could do every day to be more worthy of marriage. Start small. Ask your spouse what s/he needs from you.
• Then, pick one thing and try to do that every day for the next week. As this item becomes habit, you can add more things. Over time, you’ll start to notice a transformation in your relationship you never realized was possible.

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Wishing you hope, 

Cameron

Marriage therapist & founder of HITCHED

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Marriage is hard. It’s also worth the fight. HITCHED can help you fight as a team for the relationship you’ve always wanted. To get access to your own personalized, evidence-based guide to lifelong marriage, check out HITCHED here. The platform includes much more information on how to become someone worthy of marriage.